I sat at Starbucks in Budapest today staring at my iPod for hours. What do I do? What do i do? what do I do?! Everyone in American was sound asleep so there wasn't a soul to talk to. I get so stressed about making the best decision that it's hard for me to even make one period.
I've hit my wall. I'm tired and I don't think I can see any more buildings and cathedrals and actually appreciate them. It's all starting to look the same. And I don't even know which city I have come from. I'm tired of being on trains, trying to find places to sleep, trying to communicate and I need some mountains or ocean in my life. I feel like I'm drowning in these cities. I just need to escape. there are people everywhere!!! And i just need a second to myself!
I obviously am not dealing well with things. I have basically only ever traveled alone and I'm not sure how to do this with another person. I love Amy and yet I'm letting myself get irritated at the most ridiculous things!!! It's so bad that I'm sitting here wondering how I have any friends at all.
I'm on a train to Italy. Amy is on a plane to Moldova. I'm not sure exactly how it got to this, but this wasn't the plan.
We said we wouldn't split up no matter what happened, and yet here we are.
We literally do every single thing together, yet we will go all day long without talking about anything. I feel like I don't know her any better than when we first left the States. We are physically together and that is where it ends.
I don't know why I need so much space. And I don't have the first clue on how to go about changing it either. Amy feels i wont let her in, but i don't know how I'm not letting her in.
All I wanted to do today was get home! But my flight isn't changeable and I couldn't find anything for less than $2000. This is always when i feel lost. You think you have control of things, but ultimately no. I know it would be ridiculous to come home early anyways. Have one bad day and throw in the towel completely? No. Plus I can't actually leave Amy in Europe alone. Even though we are both adults, I feel somehow like I'm responsible or her safety and well being. Though a lot of help I'm going to be now as we are several countries apart.
Sometimes I just feel like someone should be taking care of me. How am I even allowed to be running around by myself?